WWE TLC 2012 Predictions

#1 Contenders Tables Match – Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs. The Rhodes Scholars:
Where the fuck is Rey Mysterio? He disappeared for like a month and nobody has even mentioned it. And where did Cara go? One minute he's tearing the house down (well, maybe just one shingle off the roof or something) with Del Rio and then he's nowhere to be seen. Anyway, with four very capable performers in an energetic, chaotic environment this one should be a lot of fun. The first of three excuses for the audience to go “OH!” a lot, which they love doing.

(Speaking of the audience, if they don't break out a “Cody's Moustache!” chant, they suck. Any audience which doesn't do this sucks. And yes, I'm keeping score. Don't let me down, Brooklyn.)

I expect to see Rhodes Scholars win this one but not take the titles away from Team Hell No on their first go. (That said, if anyone's doing it, its these two.) Regardless of who wins, the next two pay-per-views worth of tag team matches will be fun.
Prediction: Rhodes Scholars.

Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Wade Barrett:
I'm hard on Kofi Kingston's character a lot, because it sucks. He reminds me a lot of Shelton Benjamin; it looked good for him for a couple of years, he even got that one big feud (Benjamin's was Flair/Hunter, Kingston's was Orton) but he never got passed Mid Card Champion.

Like Benjamin was, Kingston is capable of putting together a decent Mid Card Title match (or maybe just the illusion of one), and making the audience cheer with his fancy moves. But he's not going to get any further than this. Not properly. Ol' Barrett Barrage is good, too. He seems to be on an upward trend which is nice, but to be honest, I just want him to hurry up and become the first English World Heavyweight Champion, like nao!

But before he does that, I see him becoming Intercontinental Champion, here, dethroning WWE's first and tamest Wildcat ever.
Prediction: Wade Barrett.

United States Champion Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. R-Truth:
WWE love the internet, which is why they're giving you more Antonio Cesaro than you can shake a stick at, if shaking sticks at things is what you're into. But they also hate the internet, which is why they're giving you two months worth of R-Truth on pay-per-view. I keed, I keed.

Look, here's the deal: if you think R-Truth is taking the United States Championship, you need to watch wrestling a bit longer before you can have opinions on it. There's no way WWE is building Cesaro up as the constantly winning anti-America United States Champion for R-Truth to tear him down. I don't know who will do that, but it won't be Truth. And whenever it does happen, it won't matter, because Cesaro is next in line for Money in the Bank. Mark those words.
Prediction: Cesaro retains.

Ladder Match for Dolph Ziggler's Money in the Bank Briefcase – John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler:
Cena, blah blah blah, golden boy, blah blah blah, we riot, blah blah blah. Look, I'm no more a fan of this than anyone else. I'd at least be okay with it if it made any sense, if Cena had even remotely feigned any interest in the damned thing. But he hasn't. It's WWE doing what they always do with John Cena.

Now, let's get this match in perspective. Firstly, it keeps John Cena away from the WWE Championship for a while longer. Let Punk and Rock take the WrestleMania stage with the WWE Title, and Cena can have the World Title or the Undertaker special or something. But also, it doesn't matter who wins this match. Even though I think Ziggler's taking this somehow, he will be fine regardless. He's been chosen as the next one. If you've been watching, you can tell.

If you want to enjoy this match, enjoy it in a vacuum. Cena and Ziggler are more than capable of putting on a very good show, so enjoy it as its own thing. Forget the result if its the one you didn't want. Just enjoy the match. Because it will still be a good match. And excuse #2 for the audience to go “OH!” a lot. Enjoy that.
Prediction: Ziggler scrapes it out. 

Chairs Match for the World Heavyweight Title – Big Show (c) vs. Sheamus:
Hey guys, you ready to have World Champion Sheamus back yet?

I think the purpose of Big Show as World Champion was to keep their feud going so he could give it back to Sheamus again. So that's one thing, and that's probably where I'll hang my prediction here. I have the Money in the Bank thing at the back of my mind, but I don't think that'll happen here. I think it'll happen at some point between Royal Rumble and WrestleMania, either on or between one of those dates.

So brace yourselves, because I believe we're about to get World Champion Sheamus back again. Yippee for us. (Oh, and by the way, excuse #3.)
Prediction: Sheamus becomes World Champion.

Pins and Submissions TLC Match – The Shield vs. Ryback and Team Hell No:
You ready for this? I am. Much as I hate not seeing CM Punk, it's refreshing to not have an obligatory WWE Championship match on every pay-per-view. And WWE are smart not to want to risk Punk this close to Royal Rumble and The Rock. Hopefully this could start a trend, where the WWE Championship doesn't have to be contested on B-show pay-per-views, but we'll see.

Nonetheless, this one should be a lot of fun to watch. Chaotic, too. A 6-man TLC match is a delicious novelty.

I'm not the world's biggest Ryback fan by any means, but this type of environment will hide his flaws. He doesn't have to be good at wrestling to be a solid part of this match, which is the beauty of this. And despite that, you've got Daniel fucking Bryan, Dean fucking Ambrose and Seth fucking Rollins in this match. The only way this becomes a bad match is if... no, see, I can't even come up with a hypothetical which would ruin this match.

A hard one to call. Looks like Ryback's match on the surface, but I don't think so. I see Punk becoming a factor, Maddox becoming a factor, and Ryback getting screwed. 
Prediction: The Shield win.