Raw Random Ramblings (Dec 17, 2012): The Debut of Big E.(.?)
I bet you John Cena will come out and cut a Cena Special promo next week. “I don't know what Big E. wants and I don't really care, but I'll just fight him anyway because that's all I know how to do. Oh and by the way he's gay and AJ is a filthy little slut who kisses everyone which I didn't mind until like last week when she kissed Gay Pink Shirt Guy.” Yep, that's what he'll be saying. That's EXACTLY what he'll be saying. Don't argue with me.
Cena just shouldn't show up to special Raw's, should he? What with being pipebombed to death by CM Punk at Raw Roulette, Kane showing up to murder him at last years Slammy's, losing the Money in the Bank contract on Raw 1000, and now this. Just stay away, John. Just stay away.
Seriously, though, the NXT guys are really getting a chance at the moment, huh? First The Shield show up and do their sweet little thang to Ryback, and now Big E. Langston comes in to make John Cena die? Wow.
Other Raw Ramblings:
- Oh yeah, and Ric Flair showed up. He initially showed up to present John Cena the Superstar of the Year award (there's a mixture of rage and LOL in my body right now). Cena wanted to give it to him instead, because PLEASE CHEER ME, but CM Punk on crutches and Paul Heyman interrupted to tell Philly off for sucking and tell Ric Flair that he got divorced before.
This led to a Stare Down in the ring, and Flair getting crutched (yes, that's a 'u' not an 'o'). Punk left, but Flair got Heyman instead. That brought out The Shield, which brought out Epic Beard and Fire Guy, which brought out the clumsiest fucking wrestler in the entire world. There was a thing, The Shield ran away and Ric Flair got to sit on people's shoulders and be loved, as he deserves.
- Damien Sandow lost to Rey Mysterio in the opening match, but Cody Rhodes beat Sin Cara later. I don't get why they were trying to pass the Sandow-Mysterio match off as revenge. Revenge for what, exactly? Winning as fairly as possible? As JBL said, what kind of sore losers does that make Cara and Mysterio? I kind of get it with Cara and Rhodes, though, because did you see that beautiful spill through a table Cara took? Go watch it. It's MAGNIFICENT.
- Kofi Kingston won the Tell Me I Don't Have To Keep Typing This Award Name moment of the year for his handstand at Royal Rumble. You know what, I actually have to give it to them here: that was amazing. Oh and by the way, BOOGEYMAN came back. I hope I wasn't the only one to get excited about this, and I hope someone can tell me why I got excited about it.
- Jerry Lawler won an award for returning from his heart attack. I don't think anyone should really rag on this one. In other news, Billy Gunn isn't Road Dogg's friend any more, because did you see how hard he pushed him? Wow.
- Speaking of Tensai, WWE may as well be buying him a plane ticket back to Japan, because they clearly have no idea what to do with him any more and don't even care about him. His worshipper/punch bag abandoned him, no-one wants to play with him any more and now he's coming out and being poked fun at by Santino “I Wear A Sock Puppet On My Arm And Think He's Real” Marella. Poor dude. Next you're gonna tell me he lost to Kofi Kingston. Wait...
- Oh yeah, Kofi Kingston did beat Tensai in a match, but also got murdered by Wade Barrett. Barrett had his feelings hurt because he couldn't beat Kingston when it mattered, which I really don't understand. These guys wrestle in non-title matches and win no problem, but when it matters, they lose? Is it just because everyone has to beat everyone just in case we decide to suddenly start pushing one of these two next week. If you're going to keep the title on the champion at the end of it, how about find someone else to have your soon-to-be-contender earn his contention against.
- AJ Lee kissed Dolph Ziggler after winning a best kiss award. Well... at least it wasn't as awkward looking as Cena's.
- The Great Khali... Ah, never mind.
- Brodus Clay... yeah, alright. I get it.
- Ryback won some Twitter award. The only reason I bring this up is Zack Ryder doing his Woo Woo Woo You Know It thing which you could tell he wasn't supposed to do, and the crowd completely not caring, and then him turning to Layla and shrugging his shoulders as if to say “I don't care anyway, I'm done with this shit”. Talking point for another day: poor Zack Ryder.
- Big Show brought out his Epic Sized Chair and was all smug about winning against Sheamus last night, but then Sheamus came out and Show called him... well, I repress the insult, and then Sheamus hits him with said Epic Sized Seating Utensil. Dolph Ziggler tried to cash in on Show, but John Cena ruined it. I would say “so this is still a thing”, but I think this was microwaved payback so Cena can move on to Big E. (No seriously, do I need another full stop here?)
- Tommy Dreamer made a re-appearance because it's Philly and we all still live in the past and ECW still gets chanted ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS LATER. Him, Miz and Alberto Del Rio beat 3MB because WWE had to find a way to get all six of them on here and decided to do the same thing they did on the pay-per-view last night, when no-one (okay so just me by the looks of the internet but whatever) wanted it the first time.
- Ryback beat Antonio Cesaro by count out. So an American has beaten Antonio Cesaro. Now all he's got is no American can pin him. Well, that sucks. I get what WWE were trying to do here, but you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Either have Cesaro undefeated by Americans or don't put him in a match against another guy you're trying to make look super good at the same time. Or, third option, have Ryback beat him clean and make a BFD out of it afterwards.
- Like, an XL BFD.
- Jim Ross, Mean Gene and Ricky Steamboat came out to present Triple H with the award for match of the year. I'm just going to shut up now.
- Dear WWE.
You've annoyed me a lot over the years. And I would complain about it incessantly on a wrestling blog, but I keep watching despite all your annoying habits so who's really at fault here? But seriously, did you really need to shamelessly plug that fucking app of yours all over your show like you did here? And did you really need to treat your entire audience like dipshits who don't get how to work the smartphone they bought? And x2 do you really think I need a 62 year old to tell me how to access my Play Store and type in WWE? Wrestling fans may be the buffoons you think we are. For all I know, I might be exactly what you seem to cater for sometimes. But if you need to teach your audience how to operate their smart phones and use a thing you only cared about a million years after everyone else did, they shouldn't have smart phones, and they certainly shouldn't be trusted to vote on anything. So stop that.
Overall, a mixed bag Raw. The Big E. Langston stuff is very intriguing, and could be a lot of fun to watch if WWE's Cena fetish doesn't take over. And the Ric Flair stuff was really cool. All the rest of it was just there and we'll see what they come out with once the “it's Christmas so we've stopped caring for a fortnight” period is over with.